My Journal
by Remi1
Summary: DeeDee keeps a journal dipicting her true feelings of Hunter


My Journal:  
  
I have often attempted to keep journals. I always thought it would be a great idea. How   
cool to be able to open a book and read about and maybe even remember exactly how I   
felt on any particular day in the past. But journaling has never been my thing. I've made   
many attempts and they all failed miserably. I've been able to keep it up for 1 or 2 days,   
actually, I thing a week has been my longest period of time, but this time is different.   
This time I'm not just writing to write, but rather this time I'm writing to try to figure   
things out. Who has the time and money for weekly therapy sessions? Certainly not me!   
And that's why I've decided to begin this process. This might just be my own self-  
analysis.  
  
My name is DeeDee McCall. I'm a homicide detective for the L.A.P.D. My partner for   
the last seven years has been Det. Sgt. Rick Hunter. However, we have truly expanded   
on the term 'partner'. He's much more to me than simply a person I have been forced to   
kill time with during the hours of 9 to 5. At first it was exactly that way. But we grew   
together and have bonded incredibly so. He has become not only my partner, but my   
confidant, conspirer, accomplice. He has become the person I immediately want to run to   
with stories about my family, friends, and yes, even work itself. He is the person I trust   
with all, or most, of my most intimate truths. If something funny, exciting, scary, or just   
plain weird occurs, it's Hunter whom I wish to share this with. Quite frankly, Hunter has   
taken over the roles that at one time my friends and family had once acquired. Hunter   
quickly had become my all and things haven't changed one bit in the last seven years.   
  
Due to my career and the hectic schedule and life I lead, I've had to discard many things   
and people that I had once held dear. It's not that I still don't love these people, it's just   
that life gets in the way sometimes. I no longer have the opportunity for the weekly 'girls   
night out' that had once been a tradition I so looked forward to. I don't have the time to   
go to the movies, talk on the phone, take classes, or just hang out. Even if I did have the   
time, I no longer have the energy required to do those things that had once been so   
pleasurable. Again, it's not that I don't miss those things, it's just that I almost feel   
beyond them at this point. Now, if I have a day off, quite honestly, I'd rather sleep or just   
lay around the house and simply do nothing.   
  
Because my career has somewhat taken over my life, I think it was only natural to   
gravitate fully towards Hunter, since he was experiencing everything I, too, was   
experiencing. We could just so easily relate to each other. The only role that Hunter had   
not been appointed to in my life is that of lover.   
  
Believe me, I've thought about it a great deal over the years. I have always been very   
attracted to Hunter and Hunter is not exactly keeping his attraction to me a secret either.   
We play, have fun, joke around, and tickle. It's the last part I love the most. It's just the   
mere touch of him. Whenever I feel him close to me, especially when we're making a   
joke of it, I don't know…it just does something to me. Now, I fully understand that as   
partners an affair is completely forbidden. It could mean the end of us forever. But   
lately…well lately…that has been the only thing on my mind.  
  
I find myself looking forward to work every day. I take extra time in the morning to   
make sure I look the best I can. My god, I've even discarded the clothing that he doesn't   
like me in. I've been more flirtatious than usual. I've been much more touchy-feely than   
usual too – and more may be a little too much because I've always been very touchy in   
the past anyway. I find myself frequently daydreaming about him. I also can't wait to   
get to sleep so I can fantasize about being with him in the way that I know real life would   
never allow.   
  
…More tomorrow  
  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
Another day has passed. Another day full of adventure and suspense. Another day with   
Rick Hunter. I have so much respect for this man. I watch him handle himself   
beautifully under pressure. Today we spent the day on the streets. We were questioning   
people in an attempt to get a lead on a suspect in our latest case. We had nothing!   
Hunter, however, got a feeling for one of the people and worked absolute magic. Well,   
needless to say we now have 3 new leads on this case. It's incredible just watching this   
man work. He knows his job so well. Just being a witness to his mind, scary as it may be   
at times, is an experience all of it's own. We were made for each other. This I truly   
believe.  
  
He has brought out the absolute best in me and I think I've done the same service for   
him. We were both so hard-nosed, edgy, angry, and pessimistic about life itself seven   
years ago. To watch us together now - it seems like a rebirth.   
  
I've been heavily thinking about confessing these feelings to Rick. How would he react?   
Would it be best to let these feelings just live freely in my own head? I mean, could Rick   
and I really have a life together outside of the station? I don't know, but I'm leaning   
towards 'yes!'   
  
…More tomorrow  
  
  
  
  
My Journal  
  
I could kill him. I could smother him with my own pillow…if only I could get his ass   
over here. Actually, if I could get his ass over here it's not smothering him that would   
really appeal to me. I could think of many other things I'd like to do to him.  
  
Anyway, we had a crappy day. So crappy, in fact, we bailed out early to get away from   
it. His mood sucked badly. I asked him if he wanted to get some dinner before heading   
home. Get this, he actually told me he wanted to leave early today to get away from   
work and…ME! He told me he wanted to get away from me!   
  
And so I will end today's journal the same way I started it: I could kill him.  
  
…More tomorrow, and let's hope things are better!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
Oh no, today was not a good day and I'm really rethinking everything. How could I have   
ever possibly been into Rick Hunter? He is just the most…he's mean, he's rude, he's not   
at all considerate of anyone around him, not even me. What an idiot! He messed up so   
badly today. After being a cop for as long as he has been one, you'd think he'd know   
how to do his job. Well, guess what…he doesn't! Complete idiot!  
  
Was I actually saying that I have feelings for Hunter? Was I actually thinking about a   
possible affair? Telling him I might be interested in him? Ha! Was I at all attracted to   
this man? Someone shoot me please. I can't stand the bastard!  
  
…More tomorrow  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
I just love him. We went out for lunch today (believe it or not, he actually treated me!!!!)   
to talk about how crappy this week has been. He's just so aware of everyone around   
him…especially me. He's really spectacular. I mean, what a man! He's back to his old   
self and it's just so good to be around him. I could be around this man forever.   
  
So, I started thinking again about what life with Rick Hunter would really be like. I think   
I'm going to ask him out for this weekend. Yeah, I think I'll ask him on a date. But I   
won't really phrase it like that. I'm not sure what I'll say, but I really want to spend this   
weekend with him. And, maybe…just maybe, this will be our first weekend together of   
many to come. Wish me luck!  
  
…Stay tuned   
  
  
PART 2  
My Journal:  
  
I can't stand him. I asked him what his plans are and he's already going out on a date   
this weekend. I must have seemed really disappointed and he picked up on that. He   
actually asked me what was wrong. I don't know how I didn't spill everything right then   
and there.   
  
I can't really see Rick out on other dates. Who is this girl? Where did he meet her?   
How does he have time to meet all these woman anyway? What's that about? Where is   
he taking her? Oh my god, is he going to sleep with this woman? I'm going to throw up!  
  
…until tomorrow  
  
  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
The weekend was long and boring. I didn't do anything. My friends are used to me   
being away from their click, so they all had plans this weekend that I wasn't apart of. I   
have no one, I have nothing! I'm bored and lonely and really wanting Rick. I was   
actually glad that Monday appeared again. It was good to see him. I asked him about his   
date. He didn't have much to say. He told me he wouldn't be asking her out again. I   
simply couldn't wipe away the smile from my face.   
  
…until tomorrow  
  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
Rick asked me to dinner tonight. We had a blast! Why have I been looking everywhere   
else for the perfect man when he's been right here…directly in front of me…working   
next to me for the last seven years? Seven years wasted. Well, not really wasted.   
Actually, not wasted at all. We've built an incredible friendship. We've built so much   
more than even that. But now is the time. This is just so right. I know this is right. I   
have to tell him. I can only hope he feels the same way. Tomorrow is the day!   
  
Tonight I thought about telling him. I thought about telling him how much he means to   
me, about how much I truly do love and respect him. I thought about telling him all of   
the feelings I for him and asking him if he wants the same thing from me that I want from   
him. I thought about it, but I got kind of nervous. But no more of that! Tomorrow is   
definitely the day.  
  
…tomorrow will be the day  
  
  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
He did it again! He robbed me of my time. Today was supposed to be the day, but he   
didn't give me as much as a second. There was no time for anything today. We didn't   
even have a break for lunch. We were so busy. So busy in fact, he claimed exhaustion   
and didn't take me up on my offer for dinner, even when I told him I'd cook. He wants a   
rain check. Well, rain check my ass.  
  
…until later  
  
  
  
(Months have gone by…)  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
It doesn't seem like I'll ever be able to talk to him about this. My feelings have   
absolutely, positively not changed. I am still as interested in developing something with   
Rick tonight as I was when this journal started 4 months ago. It's just that I'm wondering   
if I shouldn't leave it along for right now.   
  
I continually lose all my nerve in confessing these feelings any time an opportunity   
presents itself. We spent a great deal of time together, alone, over these past 4 months. I   
could have come clean many times, but something's keeping me back from doing just   
that.   
  
I'm thinking the fear of his response is the reason why I haven't said anything. Maybe   
he'll stare blankly and then what? What would I do? What if he has never felt this way   
about me? What if it's all just in my head? What if I make a complete fool of myself?   
I'll never be able to look at him again!  
  
I've been thinking of doing something drastic. Maybe I should just do it and get it over   
with. Well, I've been thinking about taking this journal and just mailing to entire book to   
him. Then I don't have to face him if his answer is 'no' and he can prepare a nice way of   
letting me down instead of having to do that on the spot. I really don't want to put him in   
that position. Actually, I really don't want to be on the receiving end of that scenario. I   
don't know, I'll have to think more about it.  
  
  
My Journal:  
  
I've made a huge decision! I am completely incapable of telling Rick Hunter what he   
means to me. I will not now or ever be able to tell him everything I feel for and about   
him. So, I have decided that I will mail him this journal and let him read it all for   
himself. I've re-read some of my entries and at first wanted to start editing. But then I   
stopped myself, refused to read anymore, have decided to make this last entry, and then   
just mail this journal to him.   
  
Of course, I am hoping for the best. I am hoping that after he reads this he will come   
over with a bottle of champagne and offer a toast to our joint decision to make a go of   
some kind of future together. I am hoping that after the champagne we toss away the   
conversation and meet for our first real kiss. I am hoping that we end up in bed making   
love that somehow puts my fantasies to shame. I am really, really, desperately hoping   
this is the response he'll have. But, I am also trying to prepare myself for what else may   
happen.  
  
Rick, I just hope if you are not interested in trying this with me that you will be kind.   
Because I have obviously given all of this a great deal of thought and I am as sure as I   
can be that this would be an incredible move for us. If you feel otherwise, please be kind.   
I'm sure I don't have to request that of you, but just in case. I hope that this doesn't ruin   
our friendship because that truly is the most important thing to me. I would easily   
sacrifice everything else to hold on to what we have now, even if that means not trying   
out a new relationship with you. Because without our friendship and our partnership, I   
don't know how I would ever go on. By no means do I want my feelings…this journal,   
to ruin what we have spent years building.   
  
I will accept any response you have to offer. I will place no pressure upon you. I will try   
to expect nothing from you one way or the other. I'm just asking that you think about all   
I've written. Please know that I love you dearly, now and always, regardless of what is   
bound to happen.  
  
-With my deepest respect, regard, and pure love,  
  
DeeDee  
  
  
  
  
'Has he received it yet?' McCall wondered. 'McCall has seemed so high-strung for   
these last few days', thought Hunter. He left work and returned home. In his pile of mail   
came a package. He looked at the return address and saw the package was sent from   
DeeDee. He abandoned the rest of his mail and opened the package. He noticed the   
book and opened the first page titled My Journal.  
  
DeeDee remained a nervous wreck since placing the package in the mailbox three days   
earlier. Had she made a mistake? What would Hunter do? He had to have it by now,   
didn't he? Maybe he already got it, read it, and didn't know what to say so he just never   
brought it up. Maybe all day long he was thinking about it like she was, only she didn't   
know that he had already read it. 'Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. What did I do?' she   
asked herself.  
  
At 8:34 p.m. DeeDee's doorbell rang. She had already taken a shower, wet head   
wrapped in a towel, no make up on, and wearing her robe. 'Oh no Hunter, not now,' she   
let go this silent prayer. "Who is it?"   
  
"DeeDee, it's me, Rick. Can I come in."   
  
'Please let this be easy.' She shakingly unlocked her front door and allowed him entry   
into her home. "Hi Hunter, come in." Hours seemed to passed and both just stared at the   
other. "Umm, can I get you something? A soda maybe?"  
  
"No, DeeDee. I don't need a soda. But, can you please get 2 champagne glasses?" And   
with that he pulled from behind his back a bottle of champagne.   
  
"Umm, Rick? I???"  
  
"To toast our new start," he concluded. That was all that needed to be said – she fully   
understood. The bottle was placed on the coffee table and DeeDee ran towards Rick's   
open arms for their first real kiss. Finally the two went upstairs.  



End file.
